disappear

crickets. i can hear the crickets around me. there’s something soothing about them… maybe it’s the gentle rhythmic noise, or maybe it’s the sense that something is here, alongside me.

i look up, and see stars. a night sky. i’ll never tire of this sight. there’s not much artificial light around, so the sky is full here.

i like this place. it’s mine, in a way. been here many times, and not once was someone else around. it’s only ever been me. i like that. my own personal outdoor garden to clear my mind.

things are exhausting. too many things. everything. like something’s latched onto me, sapping me dry of energy. the world out there, it needs constant effort - but here… here i can rest.

i’ve come many times, but it’s been a long while since i needed it. i don’t know if today was the breaking point. i’m afraid i’ve long since lost sight of where such a point would be. things have felt broken for what feels like forever. everything’s just a cacophony of noise whirling around my mind, drowning me in things i cannot hope to bear. just thinking about it makes me wince.

here… things simply are. the crickets make noise, the stars shine, everything is left to its nature. and for me, it seems, my nature is to rest. i cannot bring myself to do much else anymore. it does worry me, leaves me feeling that something vital has broken. now’s not the time for such thoughts though. i’m in the middle of nowhere. and for now, i’m no one. just a soul, present amongst the world. i breathe, blink, and feel - as is my nature. here, i am nothing more than what i simply am.

my eyes close, and i feel such comfort surround me. the night is cold, and yet now i feel warmer than i could ever be out there. i am what i am. and what i am, is no one. beyond being, and beyond thinking. i am here, and here is nowhere. and i am nowhere.

i’m not here. not with you. not with anyone. i am a body floating through reality, simply being, identity wiped, thoughts numbed. i’m alone. i’m gone. nothing is here.

nothing is happening anymore.

for a moment,

a moment so small i cannot describe it,

i disappear.

and thus,

finally,

peace.