nowhere

i was chosen, once. there was nothing special about the day when it happened – a normal weekday, only the usual, and it was going to end normal too. my eyes closed, and then i started to feel… something.

there was no time to focus on what it was – my eyes immediately opened back up. and nothing. everything was fine. my bedroom was just barely lit up by the fluorescent stars embedded into my wall. shapes all around. there’s something about their look that eases you – calms you down. maybe it’s some resemblance to stargazing. or dim lights through the darkness just provoke that feeling. in any case, i felt reassured enough to close my eyes.

the feeling returned immediately. my eyes open, almost instinctively. there are many courageous people in the world, and i am either blessed or cursed to not be one of them. cowardice keeps you alive, after all. this time, i lept out of bed and went to the kitchen to drink some water. maybe i was just too tired – the mind was racing with explanations but none of them stuck. by now, i was no longer tired. but, i felt compelled to give it another shot. give it more time. i had to sleep at some point, after all.

so i did. my eyes closed, and the feeling returned. this time, i shut them tight. the sensation grew stronger, and i felt my eyes threaten to open, but i kept them closed. it felt… warm. something was warm. damp. tiny pricks came and made themselves known on the rest of my body. suddenly - it was starting to become more quiet. the hum of my fan was dying down.

i couldn’t help myself. my eyes open, and this time something changes. the stars looked dimmer than usual. not only that, the walls were… becoming transparent. i must have blinked a couple of times, and yet the sight remained there. panic was starting to bubble up before the stars started to brighten again, and the walls returned.

i didn’t sleep that night. couldn’t get the feeling out of my head. the sight. instead i sat on the floor, resting my head against the bedframe - browsing the internet to pass the time. every so often, when i got really tired, id close my eyes to see if the feeling remained - but it was always there. it would be frustrating if i wasn’t too busy focusing on staying awake.

after too long, i could see some light coming through the window. tried closing my eyes then – and this time, it was gone.

…

therapy didn’t help. nothing did. nothing but “hallucinations” could explain what happened then. it’s been a long while, and as time went on the whole event started to slip from my mind. until a few days ago, when i closed my eyes, and felt the same thing.

every night, since then. it’s happened every night. i’m tired. i don’t know how much longer i can keep my eyes open.

it’s coming to the point where the idea of closing my eyes and letting it happen… it feels comforting.

it scares me.