I'm takin' a break, and I wanted to explain both why, and what to expect.
Created: Sep 25, 2022
By ENBYSS~4 min read
Heya. I’ve been taking breaks quite frequently lately so I wanted to write a full post on why I’m taking this one in order to elaborate further on things.
I’ve been feeling burnt out for quite a while now, and to be honest, the breaks haven’t really been doing much. The reasoning is basically that during said breaks, I’d constantly think about needing to upload a video. The end of the break would be looming and I’d focus on it, leaving me worried about having stuff ready instead of just… trying to relax.
Let’s be blunt - I have anxiety and ADHD. Editing comes really hard to me, and what editing I do also comes with a streak of worrying about whether I made something of worth. Sometimes, I’d work on something and feel terrible when it’s done, because it’d feel like I just dumped garbage on my channel. It’s not because of numbers - they don’t affect me much anymore and as can be seen from my Yakuza “movie” series - I evidently don’t care much about metrics.
But for those who come here and enjoy what I do, I want to present something good. I don’t want to half-ass things, so that people can get some enjoyment out of my content instead of seeing someone they’d like turn into garbage. That fear makes resting hard, because there’s a sense of guilt in taking that break.
Some time ago, I took a break to rethink about my approach on numbers. That led me to an epiphany that I simply didn’t need to care about them. Since then, I’ve been able to stream without any exhaustion or burnout - infact streaming can even be kind of refreshing for me. Now I believe it’s time for me to rethink my approach on editing.
I’m taking a break from making videos - this break doesn’t have a specific endpoint but I’m hoping it doesn’t extend beyond 3 weeks. If I need more, then I’ll take more and probably inform if need be. However, I think that when I do come back some things may change.
For example, I may not have a schedule anymore. Instead, I might just upload things erratically. Sure, this is an algorithmic death sentence and can lead to confusion for viewers, but like I said - I don’t care about numbers and metrics. However, I do want to try and mitigate the confusion whenever possible. My current plan is to add a page on my site that would list upcoming videos - their date and title.
I’m proud of having edited so many things in these past few years, and I’ve even finished Ruina which was a personal milestone of mine. I really don’t want to stop editing and creating things, even if the process is hard. However, I need to approach editing differently - focusing on my needs and wants rather than the intense pressure of what is desired of me.
This doesn’t mean I’ll completely disregard requests mind you - on my Risk of Rain 2 video people told me to keep playing it, and I did. It led to further streaming of the game infact, and I have more videos planned for it. However, rather than capitulating for the sake of numbers and pleasing, I want to capitulate simply because I want to do it, like for Risk of Rain 2 wherein I accepted the requests simply because I had a personal desire to give it another shot.
ENBYSS is not for numbers, for metrics, for goals or what have you. ENBYSS is for what we want, when we want, and how we want. My home where I get to have a say in things. A place where I can indulge in hobbies and showcase myself to the world. My editing for the past few months has been driven by a fear and stress to perform and deliver. It’s time to change that, and make my videos once again driven by passion, interest, and excitement.
If you read this far, I thank you. It’s a long message but I wanted to broadcast my thoughts and provide reasoning behind them so people can understand where I’m coming from with this.
Hope to see you soon,
Yes, the Everhood and Yakuza Kiwami series are on hold until I come back. Once I do, they’ll likely be what I upload first. Emphasis on likely however.